I'm so fucking centered right now
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
