youre lurking in front of me
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
