Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Farmville is her only friend.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
