Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
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she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
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Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
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