last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
I'm passing your future prison.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
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