I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
