i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
