I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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