yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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