i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Randomize
