I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
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