i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
