come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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