The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Randomize
