did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
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