I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
