my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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