What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
