I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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