that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
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