you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
Randomize
