he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
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