Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
