I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
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