Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Randomize
