I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
