I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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