I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
how does that bad decision feel?
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