My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
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