My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
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