he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
