if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
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