The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Randomize
