Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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