Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
These Dirty People Haven’t Told Their SO About Their Kinky Fetish
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
This is Why People Stop Sex Halfway Through
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.