She's hot and she went to Notre Dame. I want to fuck the Catholic right out of her
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
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