Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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