It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
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