Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Randomize
