I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Randomize
