Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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