Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
Randomize
