She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
Randomize
