Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
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