Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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