so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Randomize
