i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
mondays should just be called national damage control day
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Randomize
