Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
just threw up in the bus full of other international students just outside of boulder, just keeping the aussie reputation alive
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
