I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
you didnt know i had herpes?
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Randomize
