Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
My hair reeks of homosexuality.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize
