you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
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