Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
