Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
The best revenge is premature balding
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
