we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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