I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Randomize
