I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize